Its was two weeks ago today our third little one woke up in Jesus’ arms. I wondered a lot of how open about my situation and struggles I should be. I worried that if I share to much I might scare people away or make a fool of myself being “too vulnerable”, if there is such a thing. But one thing I have learned through my past trials and journeys has been the blessing of seeing God use my story to help others. I’ve also learned that I process things out loud, with people, with my friends, and with my family.
Two weeks ago Wednesday I started experiencing pain in my lower stomach. At first I just thought that I was getting the flu or some kind of sickness going around. After realizing that they weren’t normal my husband and I made a trip to the ER.
We were there for a few hours when they brought the news that we were expecting our 3rd little one. We were shocked. We laughed, and cried a little, and talked about our family of 5 and what that might look like. But fear started to creep in. I was having extreme pain and knew that wasn’t a good sign. I’m usually the optimistic one in our family, a glass half full kind of thinker, but I was worried that if I allowed myself to get excited that I might be hurt if anything were to happen.
We went home that night feeling confused, and as much as I tried not to be, excited. Excited for that little life growing inside of me. A little brother or sister for my other two little ones. A perfect little surprise.
I felt better on Thursday, I think it was a day for peace and rest. Rest in our Maker. A day where we could look to him and ask him for help. A moment for us to sit in peace and lean on him knowing that he was in control. My husband and I had good conversation and we prayed together. We prayed for peace, and of course a healthy baby.
On Friday I began experiencing pain again. This time the pain crippled me. I knew something wasn’t right. And I was scared. We headed back to the ER where I had an ultrasound and it was confirmed that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. They determined that they would do surgery right away.
I knew that this meant we wouldn’t meet our baby in this life. That I would never hold their sweet hand or hear their precious cry. That this child would never grow up and fight with his brothers or roll her eyes are her mommy when she grows older and thinks she knows more than her momma. And I’m not sure if I have ever experienced this kind of confusion before.
I came out of surgery just a half hour later where I was greeted by my sweet husband who held my hand and kissed my forehead. We hugged and I cried more. But I still felt numb. The sadness and grief creeped in much later and in some ways I am glad for that. It gave me time to figure out what the heck had just happened and really feel each emotion as it came.
My husband is the Pastor at our church and that Sunday he shared a passage from James. He shared his thoughts on having to endure for faith. That some how the Lord promises that our suffering and hardships will help us grow in our faith. He was honest with our friends and family and told them that he wrestled with this idea. That is was hard for him to endure, but that he knows that we can rest in his promises. He reminisced with our church on the last few months and how hard this year has been on us, but how through the pain, the struggle, and the hardship, God has continued to show us his goodness through people, who have encouraged us and loved us, and through seeing him work in others lives. We have been truly blessed by the way he is moving and the hope we see in others and their kindness.
So many of our friends cooked meals for us, our congregation prayed over us, our parents helped us with our kiddos, and his love for us was shown through the people he has surrounded us with. And we will forever be grateful.My mother in law came our house the following week and offered to paint my house (she clearly speaks my love language). What she didn’t realize is how truly refreshing this small change was, and how much a small gesture truly meant.
This bright white change is just what we needed. Its like I see hope in the walls that surround us. I know that might sound silly, but this home we have built is more than a home, its my two little ones running around, making me laugh when I need it the most. Its my mother in laws labor that she gave us so freely to show her love for us. Its my husbands unconditional love and support, and most importantly, its Christ at the center of all we do. These bright white walls represent a new beginning, one where we have experienced loss, but continue to trust that He is working it into his plans for us. Our lives look different today than they did two weeks ago, but He is good. He will ALWAYS be good and I can’t wait to see him make beauty out of these ashes.
Happy Weekend Friends.
” For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”